Sibling relationships are often challenging in the best of times. Still, when caregiving for an aging or sick parent becomes part of the equation, the conflicts between brothers and sisters can become much more significant. The United Disabilities Services Foundation reports 17% of adults will care for their parents at some point in their lives, and odds are, the job will fall on a daughter.
This will inevitably create an imbalance in caregiving responsibilities, sometimes because of proximity to the older parent and sometimes because one sibling is better suited for the caregiver role than the others. These factors (and others) can cause anger, resentment and bitterness if they’re not managed and if communication isn’t good among family members.
Philadelphia psychologist and consultant Barry Jacobs answered a question about siblings and caregiving in the Psychotherapy Networker this way: “Nothing reveals the fault lines in sibling relationships like the seismic shift caused by an aging parent’s sudden decline.”
Why siblings disagree and solutions
There are as many reasons as there are families why siblings have disagreements about their parent’s care, but some are more common than others.
When determining the issue in your family, you should first take your emotions out of the process to look at it objectively. For example, if you’re the caregiver, do you feel discounted or put upon by your siblings who have different opinions about how care should be given? Or do your siblings question you about the money you spend, concerned about future inheritances? According to Market Watch, 68% of siblings argue about their finances regarding caregiving.
When determining the issue in your family, you should first take your emotions out of the process to look at it objectively.
Talking openly is the key to working through the differences.
One person shoulders most of the responsibility
This is possibly the most common reason for siblings to have conflicts about caregiving. When one family member is the primary caregiver, others tend to fade from the day-to-day management of their parent. This can be partly the caregiver’s fault, who may decide it’s easier to simply manage everything, rather than ask for help from uninvolved siblings. This can be especially true for siblings who live far from each other.
Solutions to this problem include:
- A shared calendar for keeping track of medical appointments so siblings can be kept informed
- Handing off tasks that can be done remotely, including managing finances or communicating with other family members about the parent’s health
- Contributing financially if that’s a burden
- Scheduled phone or video calls between siblings and the parent
Some siblings are less informed than others
For families with multiple siblings, care usually falls on the older siblings. While this may be the natural order of things that goes back to childhood, everyone is an adult now and should be kept informed and given responsibility.
Solutions to this problem include:
If younger siblings live nearby, they can come by and make dinner once a week or take the parent out for lunch. In addition, younger siblings who aren’t responsible for primary caregiving can do grocery shopping or pick up prescriptions.
If younger siblings are farther away, they should plan to visit at least once or twice a year and give the primary caregiver a welcome break from their caregiving job.
The caregiver is unwilling to share the caregiving job
In some cases, the caregiving sibling becomes controlling and unwilling to listen to other siblings’ ideas or input about their parent’s situation. If this happens, it may be wise to bring in a third party.
Solutions to this problem include:
Bring in a third party to work with the family to allow everyone to participate in the decision-making process and planning for the parent’s short-term and long-term care needs.
There are professional family mediators who focus specifically on senior care issues and can help conflicted families struggling to communicate with each other.
Disputes are unfortunately quite common among siblings.
“Siblings may face numerous stumbling blocks when looking after an aging parent, from unequal division of caregiving tasks, to different perceptions of the parent’s needs, to denial over the parent’s condition,” writes Helen Santoro in Knowable Magazine. “Old wounds and rivalries may reemerge, leading to arguments and resentments that affect care decisions.”
Preserving sibling relationships while giving parents the best care you can may take some hard work, but it will be worth the effort in the long run. Long after your parent is gone, your siblings will still be part of your life. Remaining connected and feeling like family will only make things easier and better.
Preserving sibling relationships while giving parents the best care you can may take some hard work, but it will be worth the effort in the long run.
Plus, it’s what your parents would want for you.