As a family caregiver of a loved one with dementia, it can often feel like you’re not getting through and that your relationship is increasingly a one-way street— your efforts aren’t making any impact at all.
Research has shown, however, they are.
In “Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade: The 5 Love Languages and the Alzheimer’s Journey” caregivers can gain invaluable information and research on applying an evidence-based approach to showing your loved one with dementia that you care.
The book cites research that people with Alzheimer’s disease will continue to experience an emotion long after forgetting what initially triggered it, highlighting the need for caregivers to continuously try to induce positive feelings in their loved ones.
“Our findings should empower caregivers by showing them that their actions toward patients really do matter,” said Edmarie Guzmán-Vélez, a member of the study’s research team. “Frequent visits and social interactions, exercise, music, dance, jokes and serving patients their favorite foods are all simple things that can have a lasting emotional impact on a patient’s quality of life and subjective well-being.”
Frequent visits and social interactions, exercise, music, dance, jokes and serving patients their favorite foods are all simple things that can have a lasting emotional impact on a patient’s quality of life and subjective well-being.
So, just as emotions can persist after the memory fades, so can the sense of love linger within the emotional psyche of a person with dementia long after the loving encounter.
The authors claim “The 5 Love Languages” are one way to keep things positive and bridge the divide that naturally and inevitably builds between the person with dementia and their loved ones.
What are The 5 Love Languages?
The 5 Love Languages, originally conceptualized by Gary Chapman, PhD, captures and encapsulates the five different ways people enjoy giving and receiving love.
Every person has one main language that communicates how they feel loved and naturally tend to express their love – both platonic or romantic love – to others.
Every person has one main language that communicates how they feel loved and naturally tend to express their love – both platonic or romantic love – to others.
Understanding these different “languages” and how they apply to yourself and those closest to you will enable you to both receive and demonstrate love in a way that truly makes us – and our loved ones – feel loved, valued and cherished.
The 5 Love Languages include:
- Words of affirmation: This language expresses love through spoken words, praise or appreciation.
- Quality time: This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.
- Physical touch: Physical closeness shows people with this love language they are loved and cherished.
- Acts of service: Anything you do to take the load off these people’s shoulders will show them that you cherish them.
- Receiving gifts: Receiving a heartfelt gift makes these people feel most loved.
How can The 5 Love Languages be applied to dementia?
Words of affirmation – The words of affirmation love language is not that different for people with dementia. Providing verbal reassurances in a warm tone to a fearful person will show them they’re loved. Keep in mind you may need to repeat your reassurances many times a day or even an hour, but doing so in a calm and comforting way is impactful to this group of people.
Quality time – As dementia progresses, life is experienced in a series of still moments. Therefore, quality time is adapted to quality moments for people with dementia. Expressing this love language means giving that person a moment of pleasure—whether that be a moment of laughter or a moment of your undivided attention.
Physical touch – With dementia, physical touch is either expressive or instrumental. An example of expressive touch is holding their hand or stroking their hair. An example of instrumental touch is any touch used for a practical purpose, such as assisting them with bathing or dressing.
Acts of service – For people with dementia, the authors changed acts of service to acts of kindness. An “act of kindness” is anything you do that makes them feel useful and helps to preserve their dignity.
Receiving gifts – This love language dwindles over time as people with dementia don’t appreciate tangible objects as much as the disease progresses. So, instead of a tangible object, it’s best to give them a shared experience like maybe shared music or new art supplies to have that quality time in the moment, which is much more tangible than a physical object.
How to determine your loved one’s love language
1. Trial and error
Unfortunately, there’s no tried-and-true way to determine your loved one’s love language once dementia progresses. Author Debbie Barr recommends trying various love language methods and seeing which ones resonate the most.
Unlike cognitively healthy people, love languages will change in people with dementia as their disease progresses, so it’s important to continually reassess what methods resonate with your loved one and pivot your approach accordingly.
Unlike cognitively healthy people, love languages will change in people with dementia as their disease progresses.
2. Ask
If your loved one is in the early stages of their journey, you could simply ask them what makes them feel loved. You can use the descriptions from this article as a guide.
3. Quizzes
You could assist your loved one to take The Love Language Quiz to determine their love language together.
4. Based on past history
You can always look back upon the past and ask yourself, “What seemed to make mom feel appreciated and loved the most?” Trust your instincts on this one.
So, by extending The 5 Love Languages to your interactions with your loved one, you can leave behind a lasting emotional imprint of love, one that will linger even after your words or your kindness are forgotten. This will not only meet your loved one’s innately human need to feel loved but will also likely reduce anxiety and increase levels of comfort, thus resulting in more peaceful behavior and interactions.
Additional resources
Debbie Barr
Grace for the Unexpected Journey
Gary Chapman, PhD
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
Dr. Edward G. Shaw, MD
The Dementia Care-Partner’s Workbook
A Leader’s Manual for Dementia Care-Partner Support Groups
(For use with The Dementia Care-Partner’s Workbook)